What a year we have had. Most of you that follow me do so in order to keep up with Donna (thank you). I post every time we are at her Oncology appointments with the now known silly pictures. I believe next week will be one year and 25 takes of chemo. In June her Doctor changed her med's only to actually start them in July, due to some other fun medical issues. She is having side affects to not only the chemo but now we find out or i am sorry two weeks ago we found out some of the affects are actually from the cancer itself. The type of cancer Donna has can mimic side affects from chemo. Fun, right? Umm no!
My Gram, her mom is still with us although bed ridden after a very difficult decline herself this last July. Donna retired in January of this year much to our happiness and has finally allowed Hospice in to help care for her mom. This has stopped hospital emergency's for all of us, including her for Gram. Gram is finally at home where she wants to be and has a lot of bad days. Every now and then though, she has a great one. Gram being hospitalized was difficult on many levels for us but mostly for Donna as she was not able to make several due to immune system issue's. I can say that has passed. Her blood cell counts are good and Cancer markers are stable. (or that is what we are told) I am still not working (though looking for that special employer that has a flexible office just right for me, because lets be honest.. how great would an extra income be?) and for a bonus, menopause has moved in to our home. (bringing with it a titch more wicked for this witch and less patience if that is possible under these circumstances...God's sense of humor and timing, such a gift)
For me personally this year has been a roller coaster. I think the two most ironic statements in the last couple of months have been "Can you just get some self control Mimi?" and said to Donna, "Well Ms. Bennink, its almost been a year and you are still here!" Both took my breath away. This year has taught me so much. My home has never been so stressed and yet we are here. Brian's business has continued to grow as he works very hard, both girls are doing well, both older kiddo's are still in college and sometimes speak to us on a regular basis..bonus. Tj actually has been a lifesaver as i stated last year with his sisters. Now that Emma is driving (scary but helpful) he has been relieved of that duty. Ashley is in her senior year and as the rest of our kids, been hit hard with all of this, but she is doing great and hoping to graduate soon. We are so very proud of all of them. I am blessed we have made it almost 18 months and still are fighting this together with Donna and as a family.
Last Summer was a low for Donna, Gram and I. (i think even Brian has hit his low recently, poor man) I finally how should i say this? Bottomed out emotionally and honestly i think Donna did as well. How long can anyone keep that happy face on without sounding like an idiot? Feeling like a burden? Stretching yourself so thin that you are actually hurting yourself? Do enough for everyone? Be enough for everyone? Have enough for everyone? Give enough for everyone.......ugh!!!! I think we all found that you cant. You will actually snap. In retrospect, some family members have come through with much needed help and have lessoned some weight for all of us (thank you) and we are trying to calm down, regain that positive energy and hell some laughter through what is so much fear and pain. Our levels of that so very different, but together we are trying.
I know as i watch her fight this cancer, i have never been prouder. With all the hurts, fears, tears of this last year..i can not imagine a world without her in it. When i look at the sacrifices my family has made... Nana is worth it and would do anything for any of us. Brian did not ask for this, our kids and grand daughter did not either. But dammit, either did she.
I hate cancer. I hate that it exists. I hate, i'm using the word hate here..that my Dad is not here for her. I pray all the time that he is looking at us and we are doing what he would wish for her. I pray all the time that we are doing what she wants for her and Gram. I am blessed that she is doing so awesome and still fighting so very hard. I watch her sleep as that poison goes into her system every other week and she is starting to look tired, frail and beat down. Then she wakes up, gets to the car and is sick at her stomach most of the way home. Every time though, we get home, she gets into her chair and grins at me and says "i did it" and i think, "Yes ma'm you damn sure did" and i smile and go in search of my wine. hahaha
So... we are all still standing, through all you gave us last year or took away, God brought us through it so year two....... bring it!
